Do You Know Your Enemy?...............................................................(Catch My Fall)

The morning of July 31, 1988 started like every other day. I shook off sleep and flipped on the TV. Don was at work. I was still too tired to get high, so I just sat there. Soon little, quiet voices started me thinking. What would happen if I just stood up in the middle of the room and fell backwards, I wondered? A peace came over me, and for a moment I thought somehow it would work. I stood straight in the middle of the living room - in my underwear - and let go. I fell right on my ass, and that’s when a flood of demonic voices hit me out of nowhere.

The demands and commandments were ear piercing and fierce. My dead Dad showed up in image and voice and demanded that I “Kill myself right now!!”

I was terrified out of my mind and confused. What was this? Dad said, “Mike, everyone knows you’re a worthless pile of shit. No one loves you, so I want you to grab my shotgun in your room and blow your fucking head off. There is nowhere you can hide. Your fate has been decided.” I ran from the living room to the kitchen. I looked out the window only to see everyone I ever knew getting out of their cars laughing as they all said, “Let’s go see this worthless pile of shit blow his FUCKING head off!”

The doors seemed locked, and the phone wouldn’t work - or I was too scared to break through either way. Dad said, “What are you waiting for? Go grab that fucking gun and blow your head off right now!!” I tried to resist, but no longer could. My fate was sealed. I started to head to my bedroom to grab the gun. That’s when I felt a physical push shove me out the front door like a great wind; and a quiet voice said, “This is how people’s lives are saved.”

Immediately after getting out of the house, the demonic voices chased me with the same commandments. I took off running down the street in broad daylight - and in my underwear. I ran as fast as I could. The farther away I got from home, the voices quieted. Several blocks away, I came to my right mind. I saw one or two cars drive by as they looked intently and pointed at me. I suddenly realized that I was in my underwear in broad daylight, far from home. I had to go back home, but what would I face there?

I arrived to a quiet house, but by this time I was covered in sweat and terrified out of my mind. I grabbed the gun and hid it in the garage, and then I just sat inside waiting. But I did not know for what?

Soon there was a knock on the door. It was my buddy, Heath. Heath came in, took one look at me, and said, “Jesus, man, you look like you saw a ghost. What’s wrong?” How could I explain any of this stuff to this guy? He would never believe me, so I just sheepishly said, “I’m not sure what’s going on. I just think I need to get to a church or something.” Heath stopped me dead in my tracks, “Wait a minute, man; I didn’t come over here to go to church or to get preached to. I just came over to get high, so if that’s not cool, I’ll just leave.” I simply said I could not get high right now, but that he could do what he wanted. Heath sat and smoked a little, but he could tell I was clearly not well, so after a short time he left.

I sat alone for what seemed like hours, not knowing what to do or who to call. I just sat there alone, shaking, and terrified. A few hours later, my roommate, Don, came home from work. He basically said the same thing Heath had, that I looked like hell and he wanted to know what was going on with me. I didn’t want Don to think I was a nut job, but I didn’t know who else I could talk to about all of this stuff, so I opened up a little.

After I told Don a very watered-down version, he knew what I needed to do, and who I needed to talk to. Don said, “Mike, I’m friends with a power lifter down at the club that’s a Christian. I think you need to meet with him.” I was so busy that I couldn’t meet with Wayne until five weeks later. In my sleep I was being tormented from the horror of that day. I had stopped all drinking and drug use by now. I was working out like a mad man -just anything I could think of to get my mind off stuff.

My Tour in Hell…………………………………………………………. (Forever Damned)

I started my job with the city bus in May of ’96. As planned, I also began college in the fall as an older than average student. Halfway through my sophomore year in college, I was promoted to Operations Manager at work. This big promotion would mean I had to give up on completing my education and focus all of my attention on managing twenty-some employees full-time plus. The one big toy I bought with my promotion was a very high-end jet ski. I loved taking off on high wind days, regardless of what day of the week it was. I would load up and head to the lakes.

I could forget my problems on the water. It was simply peace, nature and serenity every time.

The fall of ‘99 I found myself searching for answers as to how to become more successful. One night I was up late flipping channels and I landed on an infomercial where Tony Robbins was speaking about his latest product he was selling. I decided it sounded like just what I was missing in my life, so I placed my order. A few days later, his system arrived in the mail. I knew the product came with a 30-day money-back guarantee, so I started cramming in as much programming as I could.

The more I listened, the more the tapes spoke to my problems. They gave me instructive tools as to how to make a shift in order to improve at my job, and all other areas of my life. I found myself becoming brainwashed with the “gospel according to Tony Robbins’” self-improvement teachings. I would stay up late, night after night, listening to more and more of the tapes. The entire time I was depriving myself of much needed sleep.

Thanksgiving was only two days away when I found myself leaving home and driving back to the office at the end of my lunch break. During my drive, I began thinking about all of the teachings I had been obsessing myself with over the last ten days. The thought I started to entertain was, “What do you really want out of life, Mike?” I began to really focus on that simple question, and my mind started providing answers--I guess I want more money – No, that’s not it, because that’s not the real issue when you boil it all down.

“What will bring you true peace and never-ending happiness?” Peace of mind is the answer I thought, and soon that answer was also rejected. I crossed the I-29 Bridge on Main Avenue. Then I got the right answer. I guess what I genuinely want is acceptance. The voice in my head said, “That’s exactly right, Mike. I accept you and died for you. Now go tell the world I accept you.” A perfect peace washed over me, so I pulled over to the side of the road as the cars passed by. I thought I had just heard directly from God.

God loves me and accepts me just as I am, so I decided to tell the world right then and there on that spot of the road. I emerged from my car and began stopping lunch-rush traffic to tell everyone the good news I had just heard from God. I recall the looks of horror on the driver’s faces as they watched me spin into madness.

In a short while a police officer pulled up, removed me from the middle of the road, and began to ask me a series of questions. “Do you know anyone that lives in town?” he asked. I gave him my wife’s name and number, and then also told him I was related to people he worked with.

He contacted those people and shared with them that he was driving me to the hospital downtown to get examined by a doctor.

We arrived at the ER and slowly people from work, my wife, and my sister showed up to see what was wrong with me. The doctor came into the examination room where I was sitting with the cop who had brought me in. The doctor started asking me a series of questions just like the cop had, so I explained to him what I was hearing.

The more I talked, the more I could see him frantically writing. “Michael, we are going to admit you upstairs for observation.” The voice that was so peaceful while I was on the road stopping traffic was now turning very demonic and nasty. When I arrived upstairs, I was put on the mental ward on a lock down unit. I was given my own private room so the doctors could observe me for a while. I started becoming more and more agitated as each minute passed.

The voices within me were becoming violent. I started hearing things that were scaring the shit out of me. I began to demand to be released this very minute. I was convinced there was something demonic and sick about the entire hospital, but especially in that sick room.

The doctors kept insisting they could not release me until I had a chance to get some good sleep. I became very demanding and more and more profane. “Release me from this fucking room this minute or I will sue all of you and this hospital for holding me against my will.” The doctors kept insisting they wanted me to stay the night so I could rest, but eventually I wore them down, so they released me against doctor’s orders.

That night at home I paced a lot as the voices continued. I did not sleep the entire night, so by the time morning came I was entering complete madness. I had now heard from God that no matter what I did I was heading to hell forever!! I began screaming out in torment, Sue described me as my eyes rolling back in my head – she said I looked like I was having an epileptic seizure. She called 911. The ambulance arrived, but by the time they showed up, I was starting to calm down and talked them into leaving me at home. I said I would call my doctor to make an appointment or bring myself in to the ER if I needed to.

They left, only to be called back just a short time later. This time the ambulance crew fitted me in a strait jacket and drove me to the same ward I was on the night before. This time I was put in a padded cell, bound by a strait jacket, and left to bounce off the walls until I could settle down.

During my two days in the padded cell, I experienced unspeakable torment. I was hearing and seeing demonic imagery. There remains debate whether I actually toured hell, but I certainly experienced my own personal hell. I kept hearing that I had committed too many sins to be forgiven. Because I had turned my back on God time and time again despite everyone and everything God had put in my life, I turned my back on him so now I was in eternal torment. I was cast into hell to burn forever.

I entered a constant, never-ending cylinder where all of my sins were repeated to me over and over again as demons lashed out at me to tear my flesh apart. I could not stop screaming out in complete torment.

I was seeing the faces of everyone I ever loved melt into demons as they lashed out at me and were tearing me apart and totally devouring me and it was clear there would be no escape this time I was eternally damned. When I was in the large fire spinning cylinder of demons, there appeared a large tail of a great beast in a lake of fire that burned forever.

I was told that I was the anti-Christ, and that I would see to it the world would be destroyed by me. All the worst, sickest, most hurting lies were repeated over and over again so that all I could do was scream and shake in total fear.

I saw a small light appear in this hot dark pit of accusations. The light began to get brighter and brighter until finally I looked up and saw a human face standing over me. “Hi, Mike. My name is Amy. I’m going to be your nurse today.” I had no idea where I was or what was going on. I was now chained to a bed. The nurse told me days later that I looked like a scared and cornered animal because my eyes were wide like saucers.

Once Sue was allowed to see me, I just remember crying uncontrollably and mumbling something about a world of no hope. This episode was the most defining moment of my life. Returning to any sense of a normal life was impossible for me. I still have nightmares when I am returned to that place as I try to sleep. I found myself constantly eating and drinking and doing anything I could to numb the nightmares, I totally retreated from life for 18 years.

After my severe manic episode, I returned to work right away, but soon found I could not focus worth a shit. I found myself cutting out of work early almost every day to drink, as I tried desperately to forget about my encounter of tremendous torment. I had no idea what to do or where to go for help, so I turned to the only person I thought might understand or at least try to help, brother, Pat.

I decided to leave at three in the morning, hung over as hell. I filled up with gas and headed south to St. Louis. I ended up driving it all in one day. Understandably I was exhausted by the time I reached my destination. Pat had aged considerably from the last time I had seen him years earlier. I ended up only staying there the following day.

When night came, I told Pat and his wife, Tina, all about my ordeal in the padded cell. Both listened with great interest as I began to recall the insanity. I found myself beginning to shake, and soon afterwards shut down and shut up. The following morning, I was restless. By 3 AM I decided to head back home. I ended up driving through a blinding snowstorm the last two hundred miles but made it home safe.

I remember feeling restless and having no idea where to turn or who to trust with my pain. Once I returned home and got caught up on sleep, I picked up with my drinking right where I had left off. One bottle was not enough. I always had to drink to extreme excess to reach blackout so that I could forget everything and just totally retreat from society.

This pattern continued for two and a half more years, until finally my employer had no choice but to fire me in May of 2001. Now I was not only losing all relationships, such as friends and family members, I began losing earthly possessions as well. I lost my jet ski, then it was my car, then it was every dollar in my 401K. This wasn’t enough to get me to stop drinking. I then lost every penny from my checking and savings so both accounts were closed by the bank.

My drinking had reached a place of insanity a long time ago, but now another problem had also emerged. I couldn’t stop stuffing my fat face as my weight ballooned out of control. I was now a fat pig, addicted, complete mess of a man, and a total shell of my former self.

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